lordlad's Blog - Days gone bye...

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

The 2nd coming..............for me

I just lifted one of the 'stones' in my heart recently........

Okay, some explanations.....

About 3 years ago, i am in love with this girl. She's one of my good friends and we often go out together. However, being the pessimistic that i am,i just kept thinking to myself that i am not good enuff for her. But like all pessimist, i secretly hope that she 'could' like me...... Like an idiot, i kept thinking everyday & night whether she likes me or not. Soon, projects and examinations revisions are neglected with me thinking (pondering ?? Dreaming ?? I dunno) about the same questions every night. Sometimes i cried, other times i laughed.......i am almost becoming a freak.

Then out of no reasons, i suddenly want to stop all these nonsense. My work in polytechnical suffered and i was really going nowhere. I decided to stop talking to her, delete her contacts from my ICQ, email, msn, handphone, everything. I just want to erase her from my mind. And it sorta worked. My academic results gradually improved and i was able to cope with life again somehow....but deep down inside, i still missed her deeply. I'm not afraid to tell anybody that i have not yet like another girl since.

Earlier, through some connections, i accidently stumbled upon her friendster add decided to add her to my friends list. Then i start messaging her in friendster. I got her new hp and even sms her once (and only once...in january). But like a fool, i seems to be taking the same wrong steps that i was taking back then. Just recently, i added her to my msn and just yesterday, i msn her and we have a small chat. I tried to act cool and tried to be friendly (which she did too). But i also learned that she is not yet attached but is leaving singapore soon. But the true revelation is that i finally know the answer that i was always asking myself back then.......Does she like me ???

The answer is....what i always know....No. Which isn't surprising. Actually, i didn't directly ask her whether she like me...but i DID get to know she like whom all these while (and it's someone i absolutely hates, even if he's not my 'love rival'). Instead of feeling all sad and groovy, i felt actually kinda strange and somehow relieved and 'light hearted'. It's like somebody that visit a prostitute, then visit the doctor whether he's HIV positive or not and then the results is negative (bad examples i know).

For know, i can't say that my feeling for her is completely gone but i actually have the answers and so i can finally know stop imaging things and get my own life going. I've wasted enough of my life, indulge in this senseless inner struggle and finally and overcome it somehow. While i am not completely changed, rome isn't built in one day, ain't it ??? Wish me luck, saners !!! Peace.


P.s. Starting from my next blog entry, i will be posting a story that i have 'conjured' up in my mind. It's a very personal and controversial story (and also quite violent). Look out for it.